i posted this entry almost exactly one year ago, my life has come full circle.

"my dreams, they are just never ever good anymore. they're always about the worst possible things that could happen. like, people dying, people leaving me. and worst of all, being alone. that's my biggest fear. having no one. no family, no friends, no one. i hate having such bad dreams every night, because i spend the whole night not even sleeping. and i wake up totally tired. i'd almost be better off if i didn't sleep at all. ughhh.

when i'm driving, and i get close to pulling out in front of a car, or hitting a curb, or pole, idk.. sometimes i think i should just do it. not that i ever will. but my first thought is to just close my eyes and drive. but it's too likely i'd hurt someone else, or end up paralyzed. and it's not like i ever would, anyway. it's just a thought. i probably shouldn't feel like that. ever.

yeah. so you know how i said a few entries back that i "really am happy" and that i "love my life" ? well. i take it back. i'm just kidding myself. i am not anywhere near happy. i fall asleep every night, with that feeling like i'm about to cry. but i stop myself, so i don't look even worse the next day. which reminds me, i was thinking earlier, in the car, on my way to school. i'm interesting looking. i take alright pictures. but i'm not anywhere near pretty, or beautiful. i mean. idk. it's just the truth. i'm not ugly, but the best word i can use to describe the way i look is interesting. but back to what i was saying. i am not a happy person, i don't know how to handle anything. i can't make myself have motivation for anything. idk,. i wish there was something i really cared about. something that no matter how horrible i feel, i can always turn to that one thing. but there is nothing like that in my life. i need a hobby.

i can''t wait to start working every day. i mean, i get sick of working. extremely sick of it, but at least it'll keep me busy, at least it'll keep me from thinking too much about everything. because that's all i've been doing lately.

i'm tired of eating. it only makes me sick. and i'm gaining weight back. it's not good at all. i'm over it. at least for a while. it just makes me feel even worse about myself when i feel like all i do is eat, and i just feel like i;m getting fat. i know i'm not fat. but i don't want to gain any weight at all. i want to lose some.

my mom sat me down and asked me whst's wrong with my life. and what needs to change. but, i couldn't think of anything that i wanted to keep the same that is my problem. i want so much change. i just dont know where to begin."